Why the unleavened bread?

[malsperanza]

Someone asked me recently why Jews do not eat leavened bread during Passover.

I have long wanted to clear up this mystery. It's actually a rather charming story.

Folks, you see: When the Jews were held captive by Pharaoh in Egypt back in the days of Yore, they went up on Mount Olympus and prayed to God to deliver them from slavery.

And God said he would, but only if in return they would bring him a loaf of bread from the bakery of Loki, who resided far away in the land of Goshen, across the Great River, and his bread was guarded with a giant three-headed dog named Hydra. And God desired this bread greatly, but Loki would not share it.

So the Jews agreed, and God cut the Gordian knot that kept them prisoner, and they fled Yore and were freed from bondage in Egypt. After wandering in the desert for 40 days, eating nothing but frankincense and myrrh, they found the place where the Red Sea parted, and crossed over into Jordan. (Which is why Passover should really be called Crossover, but that sounds too much like indy funk-jazz bands with broad appeal, so the other name was chosen. Which is why the Jews are known as the Chosen People, but that's another story.)

But when at length they arrived in Goshen, it was the land of milk and honey and they forgot their promise, so beautiful were the hanging gardens, and so delicious was the bread.

Many years passed, and the Jews lived well, but godlessly. So God eventually lost patience and decided to punish them for their forgetfulness. At first he smote them with plagues of locusts, raining frogs, and blood, but the Jews responded by getting doctorates in agriculture, animal biology, meteorology, and hematology, and weren't bothered much. So then God declared that thenceforth and for all eternity one-third of the firstborn sons of the Jews must become internists and one-third must become real-estate attorneys. And so it came to pass. And the Jews have never ceased lamenting this tragedy.

So once a year, the Jews forego bread, to remind them never again to forget promises to God, who can be a real pisser.


This doesn't explain why beer, green beans, and lentils are also forbidden. But then, what would religion be if it had no mystery at its heart?

Comments

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I want you at Seder from now on!

[malsperanza.livejournal.com]

My Seder (on the rare occasions when I can be dragged to one) uses the Revised Standard Maxwell House Haggadah, with interpolations from the gospels of Woody Allen and Mr. Spock.

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine was just telling me about the Revised Standard Maxwell House Haggadah. It seems to be Moses' choice!